Vicious Cycles and Great Intentions

The cycle repeats itself, viciously...

1. "I can't seem to Get it Right!!"
2. "Tomorrow, I will Get it Together"
3. Tonight, I Stay Up Way Too Late
4. In the morning, I Can't Stay Awake, go back to sleep
5. I wake up, Behind Again
6. "I just Can't Get it Right!!!"

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I started this blog with the image of myself up early, before the rest of the house awakens...sipping on coffee and sitting at the feet of my Lord, waiting eagerly to hear what is on His heart for the day. Sounds good on paper, but the execution always seems to be a bit lacking.

One thing I need to do is break the cycle of Beating Myself Up When I Don't Get it Right. That can be accomplished by Not Setting Myself Up To Fail. Rewinding the tape from last night...well, I should have just gone to sleep after turning out the light instead of looking at a Homes and Land mag for a house we'll never buy. Even then, I could have still salvaged my sleep by not scouring Craigslist for an RV we can't afford at the moment, a vehicle we won't be able to purchase for at least a month, and a new home to move to when we can't move out of the one we're in yet. 

The only possible good that came out of that ridiculous waste of time was the accidental stumbling upon something that could possibly change our future tremendously. I won't write about it now...you know, don't count your eggs before they hatch and all. But, I also don't want to get my hopes up, in case This Isn't It. 

Fast forward to today and I knew as I laid back down For Just A Little Bit that I would end up sleeping in way too late. I still am up waaaaaaaayyyy earlier than I got up BK (Before Kids), so I should remember that. And I still managed to keep laundry moving, make breakfast, schedule a violin lesson and get a chicken in the oven for a long, slow roast for supper later by 11:30 am. It hasn't been a complete waste.

But, I'm still in my pj's and I need to get lessons done with the kids. I want to go through the clutter on the front porch that has piled up AGAIN. I should go through books, closets, drawers and corners and get rid of stuff. I need to get my calendar in order (I bought a blank calendar on clearance for $3 a few years ago, and I just write in pencil and erase every year) - it's nearly the end of January and I have yet to flip from December to January, let alone erase and write in the new dates. Yeah, calendars aren't really helpful tools for me.

But worst of all, I haven't taken the time to spend listening to Abba's heart today. Of all the Coulda Woulda Shouldas, that is the one I beat myself up for the most. I know, the day is not over yet, but it seems like it might as well be once the Four Year Olds wake up...it's all about them from then until  bedtime! 

I'm thankful Yah knows my heart, but I can not let that excuse my own passivity. The message at church yesterday really drove that home for me...I am too passive and complacent. And I know that it all stems from a disconnected relationship to my Abba Father...and, to be honest, a prideful heart that thinks it knows best what I should do each day and I have no need for direction from God.

When you realize that that you're in error you have two choices:  continue in error or correct the error. The only way I can correct this error (of not spending time with the Father to start my day) is to spend time with Him now...unfortunately, because of my prideful error, I don't have the time I want to give. How grateful I am that He can take a few loaves and fishes and miraculously multiply them to meet the needs of many. It is my prayer this morning to offer up the time I can and hope to receive what I need to meet the needs of my family today. I feel I should also desire to meet the needs of those outside of my family, but is that heaping guilt upon myself that I need not carry? Of course we should desire and look for ways to bless others outside our immediate sphere of influence, but feeling guilty about not always being able to when you are in a season of life with young children can't be right, either. 

And so, the Great Intentions of Yesterday turned out to be the Not Measuring Up As Usual actions of today. I need to break the cycle, because like a hamster on a wheel, it's getting nowhere fast.

TODAY I CHOOSE:

1. To be grateful for Yahweh's great and tender mercies
2. To keep my inner ear tuned to hear His voice
3. To respond in obedience
4. To repent of sin
5. To resolve to do better tomorrow
6. To forgive myself if I don't

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.